After a lengthy and detailed research and recruitment process, the Football Association has announced that it will be easier to just name Harry Redknapp as the new England manager. 

Selection panel spokesperson Rosie Taricco said: ‘We consulted with more than 18 different leading figures in English football, along with Arsène Wenger, and it was concluded that Harry Redknapp has the best chance of taking England forward in major tournaments.’

She added: ‘With all of the other choices recently taking new club positions, we decided that it was either him or Phil Brown, and Southend United demanded £500m in compensation – this forced our hand.’

According to our sources within the FA, Redknapp has already started to leave his mark on the national team. Recalls have already been issued for Stuart Pearce, Paul Gascoigne and Gary Lineker, and scouting teams have been dispatched to a number of emerging African nations.

Speaking to our Chief Reporter through a car window, Redknapp said: ‘I will be bringing a fresh approach to our beloved national team, and the Three Lions will be built around a core of players over the age of 40.’ 

‘I’ve always believed that attack is the best form of defence, and my new philosophy for England is that it will be the best form of midfield and attack as well.’