Our online safety experts have put together these ten tips to help you make sure that your children are not exposed to the Momo suicide game.

1 – Open a book

Books are great. In the majority of cases, Spot Goes Shopping runs from beginning to end without the chirpy little hound turning towards the reader and telling them to prepare a Long Island Cilit Bang Iced Tea and chug it. As an added bonus, you can sit with them as well and help them develop into a normal functioning human being.

2 – Stop sharing bullshit Facebook posts

The whole Momo thing was originally a hoax that was shared on Facebook millions of times by the same fucking idiots who genuinely believe that ‘Centre Parks..’ are giving away 500 holidays because they overstocked on holidays and even have fablon-covered glittery envelopes. Momo got shared so much that some actual fucknuts out there have now turned it into a real thing, but you were ‘onli sharing to razor wareness’ right?

3 – Run around the streets with a loudspeaker incoherently screaming your lungs out

No idea how this will help, but it just seems like the natural progression from sanctimoniously posting on Facebook about how you are banning YouTube and encourage everyone to do the same.

4 – Go to Pets At Home

This place is a goldmine for free family entertainment without a screen in sight, and as an added bonus you won’t get a chinchilla whispering in little Zachary-Mento’s ear.

5 – Document everything that you are doing now and play it back to your children when they are old enough to use the Internet unsupervised

The time will come in the future when your children will need to be educated about not falling for online scams and perpetuating complete bollocks, and you can simply show them the time that millions of people turned Momo into a thing because they were so worried about Momo not becoming a thing.

6 – Start your own hoax

Here’s one for the dads. Now that we have proved that hoaxes can become real with frightening efficiency, put something up on Facebook about you being hung like a Blackpool donkey, then sit back and wait.

7 – Literally never do anything again

The events of the last few days have showed us that nothing is safe anymore. Therefore, the only solution is to literally never do anything again. Simply sit in a comfortable chair and wait patiently for the inevitable. With a bit of luck, it will happen shortly after March 29th anyway.

8 – Go all ‘Brass Eye’ and shove the little bastards in a filing cabinet for their own protection

Let me ask you one simple question. Did any meganonces get hold of Chris Morris’ children on that fateful night on Channel 4? Of course they didn’t! Filing cabinets can be acquired pretty cheaply from second-hand shops, and they may even have the little cardboard labels intact for easy child identification.

9 – Create your own real-life YouTube videos at home

Just go out and buy ten Kinder eggs, sit at the table and keep saying ‘hey guys’ over and over again. For that final touch of authenticity, play the audio from ‘Finger Family’ in the background.

10 – Dig out that VHS of Button Moon

Mr Spoon aint never done nobody no harm. Just saying.