A spokesperson for the clothing retailer H&M has confirmed today that one of their stores is going to adopt a system of clothes sizes that is based in reality while resembling the sizing guidelines used in every other area of the universe. If the pilot in their Leigh On Sea branch is successful, there is a ‘strong possibility’ that it will be rolled out across the chain in the UK.

Mandy Tournaquet is a regular shopper in the Essex store, and she told Southend News Network that she is delighted with the news. She said: ‘I am a size 12-14 in every other shop out there, but I tried on a pair of size 18 jeans in H&M, buttoned them up and the next thing I remembered was a paramedic and a fireman slicing me out of them with a pair of bolt cutters. I thought at the time that it would be better if they used a clothing size system that couldn’t make Posh Spice feel like Mr Blobby, and thankfully they have listened to their customers.’

A fashion industry insider said: ‘An image has been circulating on Facebook today of a dress size 14 lady who tried on a pair of size 16 H&M jeans where she cannot fasten the button, and this jeans are actually part of a new fashion craze called ‘Bush Couture’ – this was first seen in Paris Fashion Week last year. For many wearers, the opening will allow them to display a certain amount of lower body hair, and in many ways it is empowering for women. People should learn to respect fashion and shut the hell up.’