A source at Southend Hospital has revealed to Southend News Network that there are plans in place to demolish the existing cancer and heart clinics to make way for an ‘extended and market leading’ branch of Costa Coffee. According to leaked documents, patients will be moved to similar facilities at Basildon Hosptal. 

Our source explained: ‘Since Costa Coffee opened in the Southend Hospital Outpatients Area, monthly sales have gone from strength to strength and it is putting a huge strain on staff to clear enough tables in time for new customers.’

‘We have cleared a few small areas for extra tables in recent months, but we have now reached a critical situation where the waiting list for a £3 cup of coffee is longer than some of our consultant’s!’

‘Therefore, we have taken the decision to relocate our current cancer and heart units to Basildon hospital as this will give us an extra 10,000 square metres of prime hot beverage retail space.’

‘Hospital security guards are being called to table disputes more than 30 times every single months and this is a monumental waste of resources – the expanded Costa Coffee will put a stop to this.’

‘Last week, a young lady practically force fed a piping hot cappuccino to an elderly gentleman because she thought that he was taking too long to clear his table – his wife was having dialysis at the time. He was admitted straight away with severe burns and blistering on his epiglottis, and he now faces a lifetime on ambient smoothies as a result.’

‘Table rage will become a thing of the past with our groundbreaking plan to create the largest hospital-based Costa Coffee franchise in the world.’

We asked our source if the hospital management were aware of any potential impact on patient care that would occur by moving all cancer and cardiac treatment facilities to Basildon. 

He said: ‘It has to be remembered that his branch of Costa Coffee generates more than £500m per year for Southend Hospital – this is in comparison to the £11.99 annual profit that was made by those WRVS biddies. Those bloody squeaky trollies and the ‘Hi how are you’ as well. Terrible days.’