With a little bit of know-how, some careful planning and plenty of advance notice, it is possible to get 18 DAYS OFF WORK in 2017 and not use a single day of holiday. Here’s how!

1 – Tell a colleague that they have nice boobs / an impressive package. By the time that the complaint gets processed by HR and you have made a very convincing case in your defence, your temporary suspension would have probably stretched to 18 days and it’s back to work. 

2 – Catch a REALLY bad stomach bug. This works really well in a school because they hate the little kiddies getting the ol’ Aztec Two-Step. The standard time off for the squits is usually 48 hours, but on the other hand you could tell your boss that you have some of of Ebola/Zika hybrid on top. That should buy you about 18 days, or maybe more if you tell them that you have a hole like a Japanese flag. 

3 – Die. What’s to stop you dying and then realising that it was all some sort of admin error 18 days later? Tell your boss that you were resurrected Jesus-style and you might even get an interview with The Lad Bible as well. 

4 – Don’t turn up. This is a high-risk strategy, but you could always just not turn up for 18 days straight. Many managers, especially in retail, are just regular dipshit employees with ten minutes’ more experience than you and an NVQ so they probably won’t even notice anyway. 

5 – Join London Underground. This is a home banker, but you need to swap the word ‘holiday’ for ‘strike action.’

6 – Put your wedding tackle through someone’s letter box. This only really works if you are a male postman (female posties are more than welcome to try an equivalent). The resulting complaint should get you 18 days off, but watch out for Yorkshire Terriers and draught excluders. 

7 – Tell your boss that your nan died, 18 days in a row. Before we have an argument about biology, remember that there are people these days with quadruple-barrelled names and all sorts.

8 – Join c2c’s Twitter customer service team. Rumour has it that these members of staff will be replaced by chatbots in 2017. These automated responders are programmed to tweet ‘There is a delay’ and ‘Your train is hungover’ every three seconds, and when passengers riot on platforms after 18 days of this shit it will be back to work. 

9 – Take paternity leave. When your boss finally realises that men don’t have a womb and a nunny it’s back to work. 

10 – Invent a religion. The modern workplace is all about having the right to follow whatever faith you wish, so what’s to stop you coming up with a new one that has an 18-day holiday to commemorate the invention of Maltesers or the death of Jon Snow? We heard about one religion the other day where the head of the faith decided that fake news was like having a sexual fetish for poo, so the sky really is the limit.