Running a small business can be incredibly hard work, so here are ten commandments to avoid making it ten times worse by coming across like a total prat on Facebook.
Thou shalt not kill the English language.
A little spelling and grammar checking goes a long way, otherwise there is absolutely nothing separating you from Nikki in Basildon who is ‘wuried’ about a foreign guy she saw in a van earlier.
Thou shalt not get all Billy Big Bollocks with people who leave bad reviews.
We all know that people, and therefore customers develop watermelon-sized testicles as soon as they go on Facebook.
However, there is no need to go ‘postal’ and immediately declare that it is your ice cream van against the entire universe with capital letters aplenty.
Knock off the Braveheart speech.
Thou shalt not use a free email address.
This is 2018, and it is possible to get a customised, professional email address without having to complete a 200-page form and personally address it to Bill Gates.
Nothing says ‘please do business with Brenda’s Bakery’ like email@example.com.
Thou shalt not keep posting the same post over and over again.
How many people bitch about reduced reach on Facebook, in spite of the fact that their entire posting schedule consists of daily updates about closing times or some other mind-numbing shit.
Thou shalt not post engagement bait that has sod all to do with what your business actually does.
If you are a lettings agent, then why the fuckety fuck would you ask your followers for their favourite flavour of ice cream just because it’s ‘a bit hot.’
I’ll tell you why. It’s because you have discovered that your followers think that letting properties is about as interesting as watching snooker in black and white with commentary from John Virgo.
How about an infographic justifying how you can charge £300 in ‘admin fees’ to press a button?
Thou shalt not upload images that look like they were taken with a digital potato.
If your afternoon tea layout looks like it is being viewed through the eyes of someone who is about to suffer an aneurism, it’s time to learn how to take a decent photo.
Point smartphone at thing. Tap screen to focus on thing. Wow – that was tricky.
Thou shalt not say ‘I’m looking for ten people who …’
If you sell weight-loss powdered horse piss like this, I will personally cave your skull in with one of the tablets that I am writing these Ten Commandments on.
Just … fuck … off.
Thou shalt not like their own posts with their company account.
Do you finish every sentence in real life with, ‘Oh wow, what a fantastic sentence that was!’ while clapping wildly?
No. You do not. And you know why? Because people would assume that you are an attention-seeking troglodyte.
Thou shalt not expect 100,000,000 likes for a picture when the page only has 27 followers.
Even if you go down the tried and tested route of having a pair of tits, you’ll get 50 or 60 at best.
Thou shalt not pay Facebook to boost a post that contains any of the above twattery.
Would you take an advert out in the local paper to tell everyone about how much of a bell end you are?
Of course not, so why on Earth would you craft a post with five spelling mistakes and a car crash of a photo, before giving Facebook fifty quid to showcase your utter idiocy to an audience of thousands?