Hospitals in Southend On Sea in Essex have been moved to ‘Black Alert’ this evening after hundreds of local people died of shock at the news that Southend United had finally won a game.

As soon as it was confirmed that The Shrimpers had overcome the footballing behemoth that is Bristol Rovers by three goals to one, 999 operators were swamped with phone calls reporting the casualties.

One witness said, ‘Nobody could quite believe what they were seeing.’

‘Like all good Southend United fans who live within a five-minute walk of the ground, I was watching my beloved West Ham on some sort of illegal streaming service and watching the goal alerts from Roots Hall come flying in, when all of a sudden I looked out of the window and there were people lying on the floor all over the place.’

‘Sol Campbell should be given the freedom of the town for this achievement. No idea why he would want it because I wouldn’t personally wander around it freely after 4pm, but it’s a monumental feat of footballing excellence none the less.’

It’s been an excellent week for the club, with the three points coming straight after the club announced that planning permission for the proposed new stadium at Fossetts Farm has reached the final, ultimate, never-to-be-repeated, terminal, rubber-stamped, don’t tell the Revenue or Sainsbury’s stage.

United were hit with yet another ‘Winding Up’ order on Monday, mainly because the owner can’t fucking stop winding the fans up.