An IKEA store in Southend On Sea has been evacuated after a randy couple started having sex on a Fäppsläpp oak-effect double bed with a Smüsh mattress protector. 

Shortly after 1pm on Friday, witnesses reported than an angry couple’s argument about the precise location of a table lamp has descended into rough make-up sex in front of horrified onlookers and many small children.

One said, ‘I heard one guy shouting, ‘Look you daft bint we are already in location 167.32 and the lamp isn’t here – these are clearly the post-modernist wicker vases.’

’She then replied, ‘Why don’t you ask the man over there in the yellow shirt for help.’

’He angrily responded, ‘Oh you would love that wouldn’t you? Why don’t you just marry him and be done with it?’

’This exchange carried on for about ten minutes, before all of a sudden they ripped each other’s clothes off and got down to it.’

’They really shouldn’t put the packets of lingonberry jam so close to the bedroom furniture. They’re asking for trouble.’

’The last I heard, she was begging him to whip her with a paper tape measure.’

‘I don’t think the store will want those 17 miniature pencils back either.’