It has emerged than an insufferable c*nt at 11.59pm on New Year’s Eve continued to remain as an insufferable c*nt at 12.01am on New Year’s Day.

Onlookers at a party in Basildon were ‘shocked beyond belief’ when 34-year-old ‘promota’ Billy Nidget underwent ‘absolutely no transformation whatsoever’ as the clock struck Midnight, in spite of numerous updates to his various social media channels over the course of the previous 24 hours.

One witness said, ‘While Big Ben was striking at the big moment, he made everybody stand back while giving the impression that he was having some kind of seizure and spinning round and round on the spot.’

‘All of a sudden, there was a massive flash of light, and by the time everyone got up off the floor we realised that some pisshead had chucked a toaster in the fish tank.’

A spokesperson for the Ministry of Instantaneous Transformations said, ‘We are aware that there are a number of people suffering from the delusion that an arbitrary second in time is the catalyst for an all-encompassing personal transformation on both a physical and spiritual level.’

‘The reality of the situation is that you just sound like a silly bollocks and everyone will laugh at you mercilessly.’

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