A spokesperson for the Home Office has confirmed that the 19-year-old ISIS schoolgirl will be allowed to return to the United Kingdom provided that she agrees to live in Basildon.
According to sources within the Department of Justice, being forced to remain within the confines of the South Essex new town for all eternity will basically be punishment that is roughly equal to five years of rough interrogation with car batteries, piranhas and the like.
One source said, ‘This is probably the best possible compromise.’
‘Have you ever spent any time around Eastgate Bus Station on a Friday night? It’s worse than chucking out time in Raqqa, let me tell you.’
It is thought that a number of other strict conditions will be imposed for her re-settlement, including a mandatory requirement to stand outside Cash Converters for four hours a day with a Staffordshire Terrier called Reggie.