Jack Wilshere’s grand unveiling at West Ham United descended into farce earlier today when the midfielder broke his ankle, pulled a hamstring, cracked five ribs, tore his acute cruciate ligament and suffered a herniated testicle before he had even reached the microphone.

Speaking to our chief reporter while under sedation from his stretcher that was en route to Newham General Hospital, Wilshere said that he was ‘delighted’ to be at The Hammers.

He added, ‘I don’t know why they didn’t just go the whole hog and sign Theo ‘Glass Ankles’ Walcott as well.’

‘I was disappointed not being able to go to the World Cup, but some of those aircraft steps are awfully high, aren’t they?’

‘To be fair, the Arsenal physio team consists of three witches and an apprentice holding a copy of ‘What’s That Clicking Noise? Kinesiology For Dummies,’ so it’s a miracle that I got here at all.’