A five-year-old child from Upper Wakering in Essex has admitted that he has absolutely no idea who his very expensive and intricately detailed World Book Day costume is supposed to represent.

According to little Tarquin Molten-Browne, he arrived at Upper Wakering Primary Academy earlier today and just spent twenty minutes staring into a mirror wishing he could have come as Darth Vader instead.

He said, ‘The fuck is this supposed to be?’

‘My Dad wouldn’t even tell me this morning, he just muttered something about wanting to ‘beat that prick and his plastic airhead missus from down the road.’

‘There isn’t even a formal competition. He’s lost his mind.’

Meanwhile, two children were sent home from school in Basildon today after they arrived dressed as Richard Richard and Eddie Hitler from Bottom.

According to their teachers, there had been a misunderstanding regarding a discussion about A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and the resulting fight with a cricket bat is currently under investigation.