A groundbreaking study has revealed that a visible lack of police officers isn’t actually the fault of police officers. 

The revelation comes after a homeowner from North London was ‘flabbergasted’ when she was told that no officers were available to attend her report of two schoolchildren ‘staring menacingly with intent’ at her hedges from the bus stop outside her home.

Melanie Fuch-Weet added, ‘A few days after this disgraceful display of contempt by the police, I spotted an officer in my local High Street pinning down an offender with a knife.’

’So I walked over there and gave him a piece of my bloody mind, and his partner told me that a lot of the problems are down to cuts and austerity.’

’I already know what austerity is, thank you very much. My townhouse dropped under the £3 million-mark last year and I was forced to downgrade to the Swarovski Land Rover.’

Further analysis from the University of East Ockendon has also revealed a direct correlation between having police officers in any given area and people not nicking things.