A cyclist in Elm Road, Leigh, taking advantage of the new pilot scheme for bicycle users to proceed through red lights.

The South Essex town of Leigh On Sea has been repossessed today by bailiffs after it was revealed that there were more than 25,000 cases of payment arrears for white Range Rovers, Dansk kitchens and Swarovski Crocs. 

Because of the sheer number of defaulted arrangements in the town, all of the UK’s major personal finance providers launched a joint legal action to have the town recovered.

Marsha Montrose-Nash told us of her horror as men in suits took the keys to her £54,000 4×4 that she uses to make the daily 94-yard school run to Westleigh Juniors.

She added, ‘My trader husband Marcus only made £130,000 this year, and by the time you take off Flemella’s dance lessons and Toby’s vaginoplasty fees there’s nothing left.’

We asked him what exactly he trades in for a living.

He said, ‘How the hell should I know. I just go to London and trade things. I’m a trader. I do trading.’

Marsha added, ’A friend suggested that I should trade-in the Overfinch for something that isn’t a massive wankwagon, but Garyella’s husband just bought her the deluxe model with the optional rough sleeper plough attachment. The bitch.’

Witnesses reported workmen loading swanky Broadway eatery Le Pamplemousse Confondu onto the back of a low-loader.

It is thought that the building will be converted into a food bank and relocated somewhere that isn’t full of pretentious c*nts.