Police were called to a retail park in Chelmsford today after staff from neighbouring Lidl and Farmfoods stores were spotted BRAWLING in the car park over an all-day ‘price war’ for four-packs of of regular strawberry jam Wagon Wheels.
According to witnesses in the nearby pub, the low-scale civil disorder close to Waterson Vale has been ‘brewing’ for a number of years, ever since the decision was taken to build the budget food retailers in the same commercial unit.
One witness said: ‘Shortly after the shops opened on Sunday morning, Farmfoods put a poster up saying that the four-packs of regular Wagon Wheels would be £1 as a special one-day offer.’
‘This was 50p less than the price for the same multipack in Lidl, and there was an immediate scramble in the German-owned supermarket to match this price – they even hired two local glamour models to hand flyers out to passing pedestrians to announce that they were offering the quadruple Wagon Wheel deal for a quid.’
‘Unfortunately this just led to further anger in Farmfoods, and after some frantic calls to head office a mobile hologrammatic laser rock show show arrived to let the locals know that the Wagon Wheels would be slashed to 50p per pack with no restrictions on how many customers could buy.’
‘They even had a Gene Simmons impersonator to entertain the now throbbing crowd of locals.’
‘Just after he got to the end of Rock And Roll All Nite, an open-top double-decker bus in full Lidl livery screeched into the car park – the full band of Her Majesty’s Coldstream Guards were clearly visible on the top deck and Andrea Bocelli serenaded the crowds with a specially-adapted version of Time To Say Goodbye to confirm that they were going to knock them out for 25p a pack.’
‘It all got a bit silly after that, and a slanging match quickly descended into a full-blown fist fight between both sets of employees.’
‘The Lidl guys ran off to get some ‘this week only’ cast iron tent pegs to use as improvised bayonets and the police arrived within minutes.’
A spokesperson from Chelmsford City Council confirmed that emergency measures are being proposed to install a Sports Direct between the two stores to prevent future outbreaks of violence.