A spokesperson for the British government has apologised to the global community for Lily Allen. According to the statement read out by Horace Morris MP, her repeated attempts to communicate in ‘Mockney’ have made the English language ‘almost impossible’ to understand for foreigners, and an emergency UN resolution for mandatory subtitles on all her TV appearances is about to be submitted.
Speaking outside the headquarters of the Ministry of British Cultural Export Affairs in London, Mr Morris added that his department ‘rejects’ the idea that her unconvincing attempts to sound ‘oh so East End guv’nor innit’ are an uncontrollable genetic habit picked up from her father Keith.
He said: ‘I am speaking to you all today to confirm that my department now has a cross-party mandate from both Houses of Parliament to formally apologise to the world for Lily Allen.’
‘We have instructed the BBC to add subtitles to every repeat of her appearances on Jonathan Ross and other talk shows that are exported to foreign TV network, and a draft resolution on this subject is currently being drafted for the attention of the UN.’
‘We are aware that genuine Lily Allen fans in Britain are going to be upset about someone offering this form of apology on their behalf, but statistics have now emerged to prove that tourist visits to London fell by 34% after the released LDN.’
‘Our nation’s capital honestly doesn’t have little boys who are hell bent on hitting little old ladies returning from Tesco over the head before running off with their jewellery and wallet.’
This isn’t the first time that the government has been forced to issue an international apology for a home-grown celebrity.
In 2005, then-Prime Minister Tony Blair reached an out of court settlement for £425m over James Blunt and allegations that ‘You’re Beautiful’ put human civilisation back 250 years.
As part of the agreement, Mr Blunt is required to spend eight months of every year locked in a garden shed in South-West London, with a brief toilet and exercise break permitted on an hourly basis.