A spokesperson for the Essex Educational Coalition Partnership Alliance Foundation has confirmed that a number of local schools will be closed on Tuesday due to the extreme heat conditions.

Decisive action has been taken after Foulness Island Primary Academy melted on Monday afternoon with more than twenty children and four staff still left inside – witnesses described rescue workers pulling them out with a giant colander.

The following educational establishments will not be open in the event that the temperature reaches more than 75 degrees Celcius by 7am:

Canewdon Institute of Quantum Mechanics and Intra-familial Reproduction Studies

Vange School Of Flange

Maplin Sands School Of Sand

Leigh On Sea School Of Inconsiderate Fucking Parking

Shoeburyness School Of Big Bangs That You Ain’t Heard, Right?

Basildon Primary Academy For Drawing Primitive Symbols On Cave Walls And Hitting Small Animals With A Club

Southchurch High School For Gerbils

Southend High School For Boys Or Girls Or Something Else As Presuming Gender Is a Clear Breach Of My Human Rights You Right-Wing Bastard

Thundersley Midwifery College For Amateur Gynaecologists

Two Tree Island School Of Err…. ‘Dog Walking’

More as we get it.