A little yapping bastard who is noisier than a jet engine from mid-November until the end of October has apparently just decided that he doesn’t like loud noises.

Tyson the Yorkshire Terrier’s owner Michelle Garridge has slammed people in her area who are letting off fireworks and terrorising her pet, even though he regularly keeps them all awake until 2am because he may or may not have seen a cat three streets away.

She added, ‘Why do fireworks have to make a loud noise when they go off? Hasn’t someone invented silent gunpowder get?’

‘Poor little Tysey Wysey Woo Woo is a very delicate soul, and the only reason that he barks at everyone and everything is that he is expressing his individuality.’

‘To think that people want to literally force him to shit himself is just devastating to me.’

‘I have toddlers as well. Would it be too much to ask for people to finish letting them all off by 3pm so I have time to give them dinner and sort out bedtime?’

Dr Fanjita Queef is head of sociological social studies at the University of West Southend, and she told us that people who complain about fireworks are often the same people who moan about the World Cup moving Coronation Street for four weeks out of every 208.

She added, ‘These individuals can often be spotted on Facebook in mid-June giving the impression that being forced to wait until 9.45pm for Corrie is just as traumatic as having a kidney removed.’

‘FIFA are due to debate the possibility of introducing soap breaks during the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, with those actually attending the matches getting Coronation Street and Eastenders beamed live onto giant screens.’