It’s that magical time of the year again when radiators, fireplaces and garden fences are showcased to millions on social media with a child in school uniform standing in front of it. 

Have mummies and daddies realised yet that they all look the fucking same, because it’s called school ‘UNIFORM?’

As opposed to school ‘express your unique sense of type and create something that’s actually photo-worthy.’

They all spend hours mouthing off about how the Internet is a really dangerous place that is full of Fortnite, Slipknot and noncephiles, and then they plaster their kids all over Facebook with an item of clothing that clearly identifies where they can be located between the hours of 9 and 3 on most weekdays.

Don’t give me that shite about your images being ‘friends only’ either – remember there are ‘snaks’ everywhere.

It’s the captions that kill me.

’OMFG isn’t he/she like the cutest ever all ready for school. Just wow xxx #mandatorywankyhashtagthatnobodyisactuallysearchingforbecauseitssofuckinglong’

Yes Nikki – they look super-cute, so what now? What do you actually want? Some sort of officially recognition of this fact in parchment form from the Department of Hunnery?

You’re really proud of them going to school as well aren’t you, even though school attendance is mandatory by law anyway.

It’s like me saying that I am immensely proud of myself for not intentionally driving into the window of Currys today and grabbing a pile of laptops and a Nespresso.