A man is currently in hospital after blowing his cock off while setting up fireworks for a display to commemorate the United Kingdom leaving the European Union.
Ambulances were called to an address in Fairfax Drive shortly on Friday evening when it was reported that Dave Fuch-Weet was attempting to detonate around £900 of Chinese explosives in an area the size of an average wardrobe door.
According to witnesses, the display was both ‘anti-social and magical in equal measure,’ with the 46-second spectacular culminating in Mr Fuch-Weet’s manhood ending up one mile away in Prittlewell on the site of the Saxon King burial.
Local fire chiefs have said that more than 100 England flags with the word ‘England’ on the red bit across the middle just in case people don’t realise they are England flags were also destroyed in the resulting fire.
Plastic surgeons at Southend University Hospital have temporarily attached it to his forehead until a date for surgery becomes available.
One neighbour said: ‘We all told Dave not to bother, but he’s the sort of Southender who has five dobermans and two Staffie terriers in a one-bed flat.’
’He’s called them all ‘Churchill’ as well.’