A man from Southend has pledged £50,000 to Children In Need on the condition that they all just fuck off and let the BBC put the snooker on. 

Shortly before 2pm on Friday, 47-year-old Dave Spodge called the main fundraising telephone number to make the generous offer to a shocked operator.

He said: ‘I am fed up with videos of usually funny celebrities trying desperately to give the impression that they give a toss.’

‘The actual funny bits are pretty awful as well. That one with Lenny Henry is usually a lot better.’

‘Perhaps all of these celebrities could just move some money around from Bermuda, stick a couple of grand in and save us the hassle of having to endure their B-material.’

‘To be fair, I would have probably sat through this if my eldest daughter hadn’t have been conscripted into all that Pudsey bollocks at school today.’

‘£2 to have the pleasure of spending £20 in ASDA of which £4 goes to charity to get her looking like a pirate Mr Blobby with jaundice. Bargain.’