A man from Southend On Sea has revealed to Southend News Network that he was ‘devastated’ to discover that he still has an incredibly tiny penis even though he spent more than £500 on fireworks from a seller in an abandoned industrial building next to the A127.

Gary Bairlenderton said: ‘I cannot understand how this could have happened. I did everything right, and I even made sure that I let them off as close to midnight as possible in a heavily populated area of town that has young families and the elderly with pets.’

‘As soon as the pop-up fireworks ‘specialist’ opened up in October, I went down there in my Land Rover Overfinch and stocked up – I didn’t even indicate at roundabouts and major junctions just so that I could be absolutely sure.’

‘I invited a load of girls that I met in Wetherspoons during the evening, and when I let them off just before midnight I could hear the prettiest one saying to her friend: ‘Wow those fireworks are amazing. Gary must have an absolutely massive penis otherwise what motivation would he have to behave like such an anti-social knobjockey?’

‘Surely he’s packing the sort of tackle that would make Mia Khalifa think twice.’

‘However, after everyone else had gone home, she said she would wait for me upstairs while I went to the bathroom – this is where I made my devastating discovery.’

‘I took my trousers off and looked in the mirror, and I was horrified to see that my penis hadn’t grown at all in spite of my considerable outlay on mind-numbingly wanky explosives that wouldn’t look out of place strapped to one of Putin’s nukes.’

‘I made my apologies and asked her to leave before I spent the rest of the night curled up in a little ball and weeping in my inflatable hot tub that I thought would be some kind of clunge magnet.’

‘Now that I am over this crushing disappointment, I can begin to plan my entry to Southend’s Biggest Christmas Light Tosser.’

‘Pre-qualifying starts in a few days and I just have to finalise the arrangements with the local National Grid administrator.’