A man is currently in a critical condition in hospital after he was exposed to 27 seconds of Loose Women on ITV this morning. 

A close family member of 29-year-old Mike Huntersby from Rayleigh in Essex said that he walked into the living room to check up on his toddler daughter Annabelle with the TV playing in the background, and less than 30 seconds later he was passed out on the floor and foaming at the mouth.

She added, ‘I saw the show myself this morning.’

’Janet Street-Porter was describing her pet name for her va-jay-jay, and within the blink of an eye his brain just shut down.’

’The doctors have said that sixty seconds later and he would have died as they had an audience debate about why 96% of the planet’s problems are linked to having a cock and balls.’

’Thank God they went on to spend the next twenty minutes talking about what they would do sexually to Channing Tatum – we could have been looking at a national catastrophe.’

Chief Clinician Of Clinical Clinics at Southend Hospital Sir Roger Ness told us that this was the 148th case of this nature that he had seen in the last year.

He said, ‘We had the expected peak during Love Island.’

’Research has proved that instead of watching 30 seconds of this bollocks, human beings would sustain less neurological trauma by placing their head directly under the wheels of a Ford S-Max with the handbrake off.’

A spokesperson for Public Health England confirmed that they are investigating the incident.

He said, ‘If members of the public insist upon watching Loose Women, we would advise them to Sky Q it and then watch it back in 2-3 minute bursts once a day to try and minimise the neurological trauma.’