A man who spent numerous Thursday evenings clapping for the NHS during lockdown has confirmed that he intends to spend 4th July drinking until the point where he pisses out his own pancreas in his local A&E.

According to Nigel Fuch-Weet, it’s going to be a ‘messy one,’ whatever the actual fuck that means.

He added, ‘Our NHS staff are the pride of our nation, and they should be treated as such.’

‘Therefore, I can think of no better tribute than celebrating the pubs being allowed to reopen by consuming alcohol to the point where they can forget about the pressures of Covid-19 by treating someone with the utmost professionalism and care while being subjected to some of the most vile abuse imaginable.’

‘I may even try to headbutt a senior nurse at one point when I get upset at not being able to feel my own teeth.’

Michelle Garridge told us that she would be having ‘drinkies’ with her ‘girlies’ and then incorporating a whole range of other nouns that suddenly become plural when you add the ‘-ies’ suffix.

She said, ‘The paramedics of Britain must have really missed being treated like a glorified taxi service with oxygen while spending the last three months risking their own lives and those of their families to deal with this pandemic.’

‘If I can’t throw a hissy fit when the blue lights are flashing because they won’t stop so I can get doner meat and chips, then what is the actual point of going ‘out out?’

A joint statement from Facebook and Instagram has confirmed that extra network capacity will be added for the big day due to the expected increase in people taking photos of an alcoholic beverage and then sharing it to social media like they have just discovered how to split the fucking atom or something.