A man who spent a week on holiday in the Essex seaside resort of Southend On Sea has demanded a refund as he thinks that the holiday was ‘ruined’ by people from Southend. 

Mick Batty, a 42-year-old quantum physicist from London, told Southend News Network that the whole trip was a ‘disaster.’

He said, ‘It was impossible to understand the locals. They can’t even say ‘water’ with the ‘t.’

‘To cap it all off, I went into a shop and asked to hire a bike for the day, and the owner gave me a 68-year-old woman called Brenda.’

’Even the seagulls were more aggressive than average.’

’One of them stole my chips, and then said that he would ‘cut me’ if I didn’t hand over my iPhone and digital SLR.’

’The hotel owner was a total prick as well. Just kept making the same stupid joke about me looking like Steve McDonald.’

A spokesperson for Thomas Cook said, ‘We would like to apologise to Mr Batty for any disappointment.’

’We have spoken to the council, and they have agreed to ethically cleanse the entire area of native Southendians.’

’Actually it didn’t take a lot of persuasion. Kind of worrying really.’