A spokesperson for NHS Essex has confirms that a Marmite Addiction Treatment Centre has opened in Southend On Sea – the facility is the first of its kind in the UK. 

It has been designed to deal with the growing number of local people who require ‘urgent medical intervention’ after the sandwich spread was removed from branches of Tesco because Brexit. 

NHS Essex’s Lead Clinical Clinician Clive Vange said: ‘Within the last 48 hours, more than 150 local people have presented themselves at their local GP surgery with signs of severe Marmite withdrawal – these include shaking, foaming at the mouth and bloodshot nostrils.’

‘In one shocking case, our street outreach team found a mother of three slumped under Southend Pier licking Twiglets individually while her three children played unaccompanied in the sea.’

‘We have set up a Portakabin in Southend High Street where the most urgent cases can be dealt with after a simple GP referral. Although we are unable to dispense any additional Marmite on the premises, patients will be walked through a four-week detox programme with controlled amounts of Vegelone – this a synthetic Marmite substitute that we have now secured with NHS funding.’

‘We have been forced to take these measures as the local policing patrol team have told us that criminals are now flooding the area with stockpiled Marmite and counterfeit pastes.’

‘We have already seen a number of people turning to the sex trade to get their next hit of yeast extract.’

‘For the first few hours after the ban, some criminals were cutting Marmite with Vaseline, but supplies of the lubricant dried up quickly after everyone realised that Unilever make that as well.’

‘Members of the public need to be made aware that there is help available to people who need it the most. Our main maternity ward had to be closed for a few hours last night when one new addict father got horribly confused after changing his baby’s first meconium nappy.’