Mourinho or Guardiola for the Roots Hall hot seat?

According to Southend News Network sources, both Jose Mourinho and Pep Guardiola are in advanced talks about taking over as manager of Southend United at the end of the season. While Phil Brown is clearly the fans’ favourite, club chiefs are said to be ‘growing tired’ with a lack of Champions League football at Roots Hall.

Lifelong Blues supporter Henry Myopia claims that he has seen both men meet with SUFC senior management at swanky seafront eaterie Bourgee in the last 48 hours. He added, ‘I was sitting at the next table on both occasions, and I can confirm that both managers are incredibly keen to take over the reins at Southend United. The new stadium seems to be the main draw for Jose, while Pep made it perfectly clear that the plans to introduce meerkats to the Sea Life Adventure tipped the balance for him personally.’

However, as with last summer’s failed Shrimpers swoop for Ronaldo and Messi, there are potentially one or two stumbling blocks before a deal could take place. Mourinho is seeking assurances about the promised £900m transfer budget that has been quoted by SUFC representatives, and Guardiola wants written confirmation that meerkats are able to survive in a man-made habitat that is primarily underwater.

Our expert source Henry Myopia added, ‘I am 100% certain that both of these men were present in Bourgee – after all local media has constantly made the point that this is the sort of establishment where a top-level European manager would go to eat. If it wasn’t them, they certainly looked like Jose and Pep. They definitely had a degree of beard growth and funny accents anyway.’