In a shocking development that will leave many Manchester United fans feeling angry and confused, Southend News Network can EXCLUSIVELY reveal that Jose Mourinho has already been SACKED from his new role at Manchester United. According to a number of sources within the Old Trafford club, Mourinho decided to use the parking space that is reserved solely for Sir Alex Ferguson as a member of the board, and a furious argument developed that ended with the Portuguese being dismissed. 

A witness said: ‘I’ve never seen anything like it before. Early on Tuesday morning, Sir Alex was slowly reversing his Bentley into the space that he uses every day located right by the main entrance, and all of a sudden Jose skidded his Maserati into the spot after some sort of J-Turn. He jumped out through the passenger window and told Sir Alex that ‘The Special One gets The Special Space,’ and after that Sir Alex launched into a hysterical rant in what we can only assume was English. The Scot must have marched straight upstairs and told the rest of the board to cancel Jose’s new contract – luckily there is always a 14-day cooling off period with these matters.’

A spokesperson for Mr Mourinho said: ‘Jose is actually really upbeat about it all, and he confessed that losing out on the job doesn’t worry him at all if he managed to wind up ‘that old red-nosed bastard’ good and proper. We’ve all seen prison films before – the first thing a new arrival has to do is go and destroy the biggest, loudest and most arrogant inmate as soon as they arrive. Jose is now listening to all job offers from North London.’