The troubled President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe has delivered a passionate speech on TV and vowed to remain in power for several weeks in spite of the incredible pressure that is being applied by the army.
He stated that he is taking ‘huge amounts of inspiration’ from the Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger.
Talking to the gathered cameras with a small Wenger bobblehead on his desk, Mugabe said that the Frenchman was ‘a shining example of how to stick things out at the top when everything else around you is turning into an utter clusterfuck and you just won’t die.’
He added: ‘Me and Arsène have an awful lot in common, well except the genocide, blood diamonds and horrific human rights abuses.’
‘He doesn’t wear silly hats either, although I have sent him enough of them he never returns my letters.’
Reacting to the news, the Arsenal boss said that he was ‘flattered’ by the praise from the ageing megalomaniac.
He said: ‘To be fair, I should be the one who is praising him for sticking it out. The last financial crisis was probably his ‘Bendtner,’ and yet he is still clinging on with his pride intact.’
‘I thoroughly intend to see out my current contract at the club, and then I will take the time to consider my future.’
‘The only person who will decide when it is my time to go is me – not the board, not some prat on YouTube, me.’
‘Ain’t nobody gonna be poppin’ this motherfucker. Word.’