A Southend News Network investigation has found that there is a secret group of Mums who meet weekly in Costa Coffee in order to discuss a blacklist of children who are not invited to birthday parties.

The Southend Panel For Party Invite Withholding has been observed in session on a number of occasions, meeting regularly shortly after Morning Mummy Zumba kicks out.

Our reporter went undercover and managed to penetrate this highly secretive organisation.

The following paragraphs contain quotes that some readers may find distressing. 

Our reporter said: ‘Everyone would order a skinny latte, before sitting down in the quietest corner of the branch.’

’The Oath of Exclusion is then recited while a single activewear trouser leg is rolled up, and a Cherry Bakewell is sacrificed for Cuntia, the Roman goddess of spite.’

’In my first meeting with the group, they told me that giving out a birthday party invite to another child is about far more than just seeing who has already given your child an invite to their party.’

’There is an incredibly complex political structure involved.’

’Every meeting has a ten-minute break where members are given a list of every child in the class, and it is customary to put a line through any unwanted guests while cackling maniacally.’

’One or two of them were even touching themselves at the same time like it was some kind of sexual thrill.’

’In my third meeting, a guest speaker gave us a presentation called ‘Ten ways to tactfully rephrase ‘Sorry your child can’t come to this party because they are a bit ADHD and I don’t want to have to supervise them.’

’In my final session, they voted by 12-2 to reclassify autism as a contagious illness.’

We presented this evidence to the school in question, Sally’s Mound Junior Academy in Queef Lane, and headteacher Clive Gland told our Chief Reporter that he was aware of a ‘Third Reich-esque party-related organisation in operation.’

He added: ‘We send a letter to all parents at the start of every term asking them all not to be dicks about birthday parties.’

’Unforunately it is now clear that this effort is more futile than asking a dog not to chew its own testicles.’