Children across the United Kingdom have been banned from watching tonight’s CBeebies Bedtime Story with Tom Hardy as mums prepare to strum one off over Tom Hardy reading whatever he will be reading because nobody will actually be listening to it anyway.

Michelle Garridge told our Chief Reporter that she has already purchased Prosecco and a pack of 24 Duracell C in readiness for the ten-minute event.

She added, ‘I forced my husband to upgrade to Sky Q specifically for tonight’s show, and I told him that if he doesn’t take the kids out tonight we are getting a divorce.’

‘To be fair, he had a lot of making up to do after I caught him knocking one out to Babestation last week.’

‘I was disgusted at how he could do that to me – it felt like cheating and I was heartbroken inside.’

‘This is OK though because it is Tom Hardy OMFG he’s such a babe. I don’t think I have enough emojis to express just how amazing he is.’

A spokesperson for the BBC said, ‘It’s absolutely true. He could sit down and read the phone book with a Patrick Trueman accent and nobody would notice.’

‘We’ve toned it down after last year’s performance where he read Dear Zoo while stroking a litter of newborn puppies and simultaneously completed 100 chin-ups – 25 viewers ended up in hospital with ruptured ovaries.’

‘However, we’re doing something for the Dads next week – Mia Khalifa will be taking The Tiger Who Came To Tea while suggestively nibbling through a ten-pack of Freddos and cooing.’