The Essex Ambulance Consortium has unveiled a new ambulance that is designed to tackle the issue of motorists blocking them in because they are exceptional a-holes.

According to EAC chairman Sir Hopham Tatt, if unleashing a round of mortar fire doesn’t do the trick, it can just drive over them.’

He added, ‘The odd thing about major medical emergencies is that they are a lot more difficult to schedule than a five-minute trip down the road for a box of Silk Cut and a copy of Jugs Monthly.’

‘As an additional measure, anyone who is found guilty of obstructing an emergency vehicle will now be reported to the CPS with a recommendation that any of their future 999 calls get redirected to Man Foo Chinese Takeaway in Aberystwyth.’

Nigel Fuch-Weet regularly blocks emergency services vehicles on his very narrow street in the tiny Essex village of Great Wonkering, and he told us that he was justified in doing so.

He said, ‘Quite simply, I am a monumental c**t.’