Sam Allardyce has used his first press conference as the new England manager to slam the ‘big countries’ that have stopped England from winning a major championship since 1966. 

Speaking in front of a packed pie shop in trendy Soho, Allardyce warned the rest of the footballing world that the ‘brand new England’ will just kick the shit out of everyone. 

Allardyce added: ‘The big countries get all the decisions and all the money, and meanwhile us smaller nations like England have to struggle to be recognised.’

‘I’m looking forward to bringing a new style of play to England, and it will make a nice change to manage a team without two jumped-up porn barons sticking their oars in.’

‘Our first objective for the rest of 2016 is to avoid relegation, and I currently have a number of players under my scouts’ watchful eyes.’

‘I’ve already dispatched a team to all four corners of Africa to try and find the best untapped talent. Is Papa Boupa Diop still playing?’