After a great deal of confusion swept the nation over the last few days, a spokesperson for the NHS confirmed today that the phrase ‘social distancing’ basically means ‘stay at home you stupid fucking c*nts.’

It is thought that the comments were made after thousands of people all over Britain decided to go out for a jolly old time on Saturday because ‘it looked nice out,’ in spite of the fact that they were basically turning themselves into biological weapons.

He said, ‘We are now getting those little signs in front of the speakers at the daily government Coronavirus press briefing to read ‘STAY AT HOME YOU STUPID FUCKING C*NTS UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GO OUT, AND NO WE DON’T FUCKING MEAN BECAUSE YOU WANT ONE MORE SESSION OF DRINKIES WITH YOUR GIRLIES BEFORE THAT NASTY OLD GOVERNMENT PUTS US ALL INTO LOCKDOWN SO WE DON’T FUCKING KILL EVERYONE AND BOLLOCKS THE NHS. C*NTS.’

‘Just fuck off home, sit the fuck down and count the rolls of toilet paper that you panic purchased because, funnily enough, you realised that you would have to stay at home for a prolonged period of time.’

Nigel Fuch-Weet was spotted enjoying ‘one last pint’ in his local pub on Friday evening with his dog Tyson before it was ordered to shut by the government.

He told us, ‘It’s all bollocks anyway. Fucking Corbyn.’