A spokesperson for the NHS has confirmed that all ambulances in the United Kingdom are going to be fitted with taxi meters to try and fight against the number of people who call 999 for a completely stupid reason.

According to a statement, members of the public who want a lift to their local Accident and Emergency Department because their willy hurts a bit or they have ‘a bit of a tickle’ will be subject to standard Hackney Carriage rates with a small surcharge to cover the fact that some poor sod having a stroke on the other side of town will probably not make it.

He added, ‘It may have escaped the attention of the general public, but our vehicles have the word ‘Ambulance’ on the outside, as opposed to ‘Taxi’ or ‘Free Bus With Oxygen.’

‘Our original idea was to change ‘999’ for something that charges £1.50 a minute like those channels on Freeview with the ladies what have their knockers out after 11pm at the weekends.’

‘However, there will also be a pilot scheme in Essex that will give paramedics the authority to administer an improvised tracheotomy to any patient who asks their driver to stop at Kebab City on their way in.’