A spokesperson for the National Health Service has announced a huge recruitment drive in Jamaica to find nurses who are willing to come and work in the United Kingdom, offering both a competitive salary and humiliating deportation in 2048.
He said, ‘It is clear that we need to offer a rate of pay that will sufficient to compensate for completely uprooting themselves from their place of birth, but at the same time we will counteract any sort of homesickness by unceremoniously booting them out in thirty years’ time.’
‘We are not yet certain of the exact details, but our latest focus group showed us that this should take the form of losing some sort of vital document like a boarding card.’
‘The Home Secretary’s office can make sure it goes in a box marked ‘Very Important Documents. Please Do Not Shred Under Any Circumstances.’
‘When the time comes, we can then lambast them for contributing a huge amount to society, albeit illegally through our own sheer incompetence.’
‘We may even be able to bring the deportation forward a few years if a future Tory government decides that the only way they can cling onto power is to jump into bed with the latest UKIP manifesto.’
In a further development in the Windrush scandal, a source within the Home Office has confirmed that the criteria for deportation will soon be ‘simplified.’
He said, ‘If they sound like Idris Elba, they can stay. If they sound like Patrick Trueman in Eastenders, it’s back on the boat.’