The North Korean bobsleigh team has qualified for the second round of the men’s pairs event at the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang.
Although the duo completed the course in 2 minutes and 13 seconds, which was enough to get them into the next stage in joint eleventh place, edited footage of the event was broadcast on a giant screen in the North Korean capital Pyongyang with the caption, ‘Glorious bobsleigh team takes Olympic Gold in pigdog other silly Korea.’
Immediately after the race finished, a digitally enhanced image was shown of the two riders with their gold medals, the Jules Rimet Trophy and a freshly polished 1993 Vauxhall Astra.
Upon closer inspection, it emerged that the gold medals were actually spray painted Wagon Wheels on ribbons – the chocolate and marshmallow snack is a prized commodity in the communist state that is normally only allocated to senior party officials.
A press release from the North Korean news agency YapYap said: ‘Heartiest congratulations to our all-conquering men’s pair bobsleigh team who took olympic gold today in a world record time of thirteen seconds.’
‘They have been training hard under the close supervision of our glorious dear leader and alpine performance specialist Kim Jong-un at his personal winter sports development centre of excellence in Pyongyang.’
‘Upon their return to our great nation, they will both be rewarded with their own apartments and a grade three prostitute each.’
‘Our dear leader is delighted with the team’s performance so far, taking 98 gold medals on the first day alone.’
‘Mr Kim was particularly impressed with our ice hockey teams 238-0 demolition of a combined USA and Russia team.’
‘They decided that they needed to team up to take on the might of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea’s ice hockey superstars, but it still wasn’t good enough.’
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