A nurse from Southend On Sea has told Southend News Network that she was excited about the proposed merger between ASDA and Sainsbury’s for about three seconds earlier today, before she suddenly realised that she is still forced to use a food bank.

Working mother of two Angelica Smith said, ‘I saw the news flash up on Facebook earlier today and I got all excited for a minute, but then I realised that it probably won’t make the blindest bit of difference to me as my salary is still 75% of my rent.’

‘I might get more excited if they announced a merger between Jeremy Hunt and his own arsehole.’

In another development, Pudsey Bear has confirmed that he is ‘excited’ by the news, but also that he remains cautious.

He said, ‘They better not try and push any of that Red Nose shit on me.