A massive emergency services response is underway on Southend Seafront after an OAP was blown away in Storm Ciara.

Multiple members of the public called 999 shortly after 8am on Sunday morning when they witnessed a man in his seventies being ‘blown away’ underneath the pier in an infamous and secluded spot that has become known as ‘Noshers’ Cove.’

One witness said, ‘I saw an elderly gentleman wandering along the seafront close to Adventure Island, and he was clearly struggling during his morning stroll due to the high winds.’

‘He then wandered to a spot underneath the pier to seek immediate shelter, and I noticed that he was approached by Tiffany The Tuppeny Nudger, one of South Essex’s most distinguished purveyors of fellatio to order.’

‘After a bit of improvisation, manoeuvring and a blood pressure check for health and safety reasons, I saw that he had a face that someone who had just taken a whole mouthful of Werther’s Originals, and police officers arrived just as he was zipping up.’

PC Ernest Peacie of Southend Police told us that a Section 69 order is now in place to protect members of the public who are partaking in pink fluting during this dangerous weather.

He said, ‘Service providers and clients should immediately head to The Kursaal, which let’s face it is being used for fuck all else at the moment so we’ve just smashed the locks.’

‘Dongs and Doinking Under The Dome’ has a ring to it, doesn’t it?’