A successful businessman has caused OUTRAGE this evening by announcing that he has submitted planning documents to create the world’s biggest mobile phone case shop in the current Southend BHS building if the company closes down after going into administration tomorrow. Local business owners and residents are upset that Azeko Nokiaskov has gone public with his plans while countless BHS employees are anxiously waiting to see if they will have jobs to go to tomorrow, but he is adamant that the timing couldn’t be better. 

Mr Nokiaskov said in an email: ‘Southend High Street desperately needs a phone case shop of this size, and my planned store across two levels will sell every single type of mobile phone accessory – naturally I will price match my other 34 outlets in the town centre. I know that a lot of people will be upset by this announcement, but I will be more than happy to consider anyone from BHS who is made redundant provided that they do not know more than 19 words of English. I am desperate to secure these premises before the seasonal Christmas shops kick off as these retail outlets are a blight on the High Street – they are everywhere and I don’t understand how so many people can need tinsel.’

He added: ‘If this mega phone accessory store is successful, it will bring thousands of new visitors to the town every month. Let’s get honest for a minute, and Southend Council agrees with me about this – people are wandering around Bluewater, Lakeside, Westfield and New York City while asking themselves one big question: Why can’t I find a massive phone case shop with more than 100,000 square feet of the finest mobile accessories that Bangladeshi sweatshops can offer? I am going to single-handedly regenerate Southend Town Centre, and then I’ll take over the Fossetts Farm Retail Park as well.’