In the latest guidance from 10 Downing Street, parents have been advised not to home school their children if they regularly type ‘could of’ on Facebook.

According to government officials, replacing formal English lessons at school by exposing children to situations where ‘there’ is used for all three different situations could lead to the entire language becoming extinct within six years.

One Whitehall source said, ‘Too many British children are already going out shopping with their parents and getting excited when they are told ‘You ain’t getting nothing in Smyth’s’ because by default that would mean that they are indeed getting something.’

‘There could well be an extended period of home schooling to come during the current situation, and to be fair when it’s all over it is going to cause ten times as much work for our hard-pressed teachers and TA’s if they have a classroom full of children repeatedly using apostrophes to designate when a noun is plural.’

‘If you feel yourself butchering the English language while your kids are at home, just shove YouTube on or something.’

‘Colouring sheets will be available to download from the Ofsted website so they don’t miss out on any vital colouring that they would have done while in school. Especially baguettes in French lessons for some reason.’