Parents across Britain have been describing their delight after their children’s schools gave them five f*cking minutes’ warning about the Children In Need dress-up day tomorrow. 

As an added bonus to the hectic ball ache of buying something to make their darlings look like a tiny jaundiced teddy with spotty bits when ASDA have already sold out of everything, it has also been announced that everyone has to pay for the f*cking privilege as well. 

Ecstatic mum Flo Down of Westcliff On Sea told Southend News Network that she had used her five minutes’ warning to frantically dip her three children in some sort of yellow liquid that she had found at the rear of her local Chinese takeaway. 

She added: ‘To be fair to the school, they must have only just this nanosecond found out about it being Children In Need tomorrow – why else would they only give us five f*cking minutes’ warning?’

‘I probably won’t watch the show in the evening as it will be sh*t without old Terry on there.’

Dr Graham Skelp is the headteacher at Hamster Junior School, and he told our Chief Reporter that the school has loads of fun activities planned. 

He said: ‘We will be holding a sponsored jaywalk in the morning before school starts with the help of our parents – £1 for every driver forced to do an emergency stop and a tenner if the emergency services have to be called.’

‘We are glad to be offering a whole day of Children In Need activities this year that tie in nicely with the National Curriculum. For example, we have encouraged all children to bake cakes and bring them in to support their learning in Maths and PE.’

‘They should all get their fix of Pudsey Bear now before he gets the inevitable knock on the door from officers working within Operation Yewtree.’