Parents have reacted furiously after attending their children’s school nativity play, only to discover that the whole show was based on the 2000 gangster movie Snatch.

According to witnesses at Doughead Primary Academy in Southend On Sea, Essex, audience members first realised that something wasn’t right a few minutes into the performance when the innkeeper told Mary and Joseph that they wouldn’t be able to use the stable because they would get ‘eaten by the pigs.’

One parent said, ‘My son was The Innkeeper, and imagine my shock when Joseph told him that the baby was the son of God and he replied, ‘I don’t care if he’s Mohammed, I’m Hard, JC, you can’t give birth here if there’s no room, so no, you don’t have your labour here do you, you fucking prat.’

‘It got worse with, ‘Stop me again while my inn is full and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.’

‘He’s a useless shite that Joseph. Punish ‘im Herod.’

‘The whole thing was an absolute disgrace. In fact, the only reference to The Bible in the whole thing was when he turned to the audience and said, ‘do you know what Genesis means?’

‘Mary and Joseph didn’t even have a donkey to ride on. They both just got into some sort of stolen vehicle driven by a heavy-set guy called Tyrone. It was hardly suitable for a pregnant woman.’