A riot amongst parents has broken out at a soft play centre in Southend On Sea after a toddler licked a slide on Thursday morning. 

A concerned mother raised the alarm at Funky Funky Funhouse in Perineal Lane shortly after 11am when a two-year-old boy was spotted sneezing while using the piece of play equipment, and the whole building was sealed off by armed forces while a specialised biohazard team from Essex Police conducted a complete decontamination.

A witness said, ‘Shortly after the licking occurred, a lady furiously approached the child’s Mum and demanded that she take him home immediately.’

’She refused to do so, and when the manager agreed that there was no case to answer the enraged Mum called 999 and demanded to be put through to ‘the people who turn up looking like them from ET.’

’About ten minutes later, a rumbling noise was heard, and ten members of the SAS came crashing through the roof on ropes waving semi-automatic weapons.’

’All parents and children were ordered to lie face down on the floor while a specialist passed a Geiger counter over the slide, and suddenly I heard someone scream ‘IT’S HOT. IT’S FUCKING HOT SARGE.’

’Everyone was then marched at gunpoint into a decontamination chamber, our clothes were confiscated and we all had to walk home in plastic bags.’

Another witness who was standing outside said, ‘Just after the final customer had been marched out and the entire premises had been sprayed, the Mum who originally complained was asked if she was satisfied that her kids would no longer be exposed to a bit of a sniffle.’

’She said that she was still fuming about the incident, and so the 14th Batallion of The Royal Artillery Brigade were called in to perform a controlled explosion and raze the soft play centre to the ground.’

We caught with the lady who complained, Nigella Fuch-Weet, and she told Southend News Network that she was ‘devastated.’

She added, ‘That was my only local soft play centre. I will just have to post on Facebook every day so see if there is anything going on.’