The Bank of England has issued an urgent safety notice and parents have been warned to ‘remain vigilant’ after reports emerged of kids and young adults GETTING HIGH from the new plastic £5 note – the redesigned fivers entered circulation at midnight on Tuesday. 

According to one young user from Southend who didn’t want to be identified, a toxic but hallucinogenic substance is released into the air when the notes are heated in a frying pan, and he told Southend News Network that it was like ‘a crossover between marijuana and poppers, with undertones of hippie crack.’

He added: ‘I don’t think that the Bank of England has really thought his through at all. The younger generation in the UK is already struggling with drug abuse, and there is now a readily available product that in theory costs just £5 – me and my friends were able to get five rounds in before the note disintegrated so that’s like a pound a time and there was plenty for four of us. At 25p per head per hit, this is terrible news.’

‘I only found out about it when someone on an Internet forum mentioned that he had been experimenting during a trip to Australia – plastic notes have been in circulation there for 20 years.’

‘The effects of each hit lasted around 30 minutes, and after the fifth and final round two of my friends passed out, while the other one threw himself into our garden hedge and screamed something about wanting to find ‘the ninky nonk’ – I have literally no idea what that is, but this is some powerful sh*t.’

A researcher for the Essex Police Narcotical Science Team said that a mass information campaign would soon be launched to make parents and children aware of the dangers.

Dr Alvin Martino added: ‘To make the new plastic £5 note last as long as possible, they contain a chemical compound called Polyurethraneperineumide – this is shortened to PO5UPE3.’

‘While this is an incredibly effective ingredient in terms of protection and durability, when it is heated beyond 55 degrees  Celcius it emits a number of harmful toxins that can be found in a variety of recreational drugs. These can be deadly if inhaled in the right concentration.’

‘At the present time, we would advise parents and shopkeepers to keep an eye out for the early warning signs that a note has been heated up. We tested five of them in the lab overnight when the news first emerged, and the first element to become disfigured is Sir Winston Churchill’s face.’

‘Therefore, if you inspect your kids’ plastic fivers and you notice that his face has shrunk so it is entirely out of proportion with his forehead, this could be a sign that they are inhaling the fumes from it – remember that they can be heated up to five times before they disintegrate.’

Dr Martino then held up two examples from the lab. In our comparison below, the top one is a new and unaltered £5 note, and the bottom one has been heated to 55 degrees Celcius on three occasions – this is a sign that the note has been abused.

‘Early intelligence is sketchy, but we are aware that it is being referred to as ‘funf funf’ on the street as it is the German word for ‘five.’ We have instructed our officers to remain extra vigilant around any cash points that dispense £5 notes.’