A government spokesperson has confirmed that Parliament will debate a change in the law in early 2020 that will allow parents to thump someone else’s kids at soft play centres.

Under the current law, parents are currently not permitted to engage in intra-parental diplomacy when witnessing their child getting the shite kicked out of them by someone two years older.

In the majority of circumstances, these discussions usually end in the accused parent stating, ‘but my angel would never do that’ before going back to their latte and checking out the latest animal ear filter on Snapchat.

Michelle Garridge is a concerned parent from Essex, and she is calling for a change in the law.

She said, ‘I’ve recently been forced to start hiring the whole place out exclusively for my son Jett as the kids can get so rough.’

‘However, if there is legislation in place that allows me to knock one of the little shits into next week and throw them down the slide with their passage lubricated by the tears of repentance then I’m all for it.’

The news has been welcomed by the owner of Vomit and Valium Funky Funzone Soft Play in Basildon, Essex – a venue that on average sees 25 parent-parent altercations per week.

Owner Reginald Knuckleton said, ‘As soon as the law gets the green light we will be installing an MMA ring and letting the buggers sort it out the old-fashioned way.’

‘Some of these mums make Conor McGregor look like Dot Cotton, so it’s gonna be brutal.’