Patients at an Accident and Emergency unit in Essex were left puzzled this morning after spotting an unexplained ‘Express Lane’ with a Chip and Pin reader.

According to one witness, the installation ‘just sort of appeared’ at around 10pm on Friday evening.

He added, ‘I hobbled over to take a look, and a well-dressed lady told me that for £199 I would be seen within 30 minutes, receive a complimentary copy of the Daily Mail, and be granted reciprocal access to a network of premium lounges at airports all over the world.’

Our reporter took a look around the rest of the hospital, and noticed a number of other strange new facilities that appear to have popped up overnight.

He said, ‘The fertility pathology lab is particularly concerning.’

‘There seem to be two desks now. One for people to just jack off in a tube, and a slightly more luxurious area named ‘Spitters.’