A spokesperson in Downing Street has urged anybody stockpiling toilet rolls to also stockpile condoms so that they cannot reproduce.

Speaking to the media this morning, Nathaniel Fuch-Weet added said that an emergency meeting of COBRA had raised concerns that many of the individuals involved in this activity had the IQ of a slice of buttered toast.

He said, ‘The fuck you going to do with it? Eat it?’

‘Apart from buying the CEO of Andrex a new yacht and a Ferrari, you’re not really going to achieve much.’

‘As a society we are still at least five stages away from the point where Pound Sterling collapses and people are forced to barter with Cushelle and fusilli.’