Petrol stations across the United Kingdom are preparing for BLACK FRIDAY by doing fuck all, with some even confirming that they will continue to charge £2.59 for a large bag of Peanut M&Ms. 

In a joint statement released by BP, Shell, Texaco, Jet, Esso and the other one, they all made it clear that there would be no price reductions for Black Friday as they ‘are doing just fine thank you very much.’

The statement added: ‘We have all looked at our pricing structures very carefully, and we have concluded that cars need petrol and diesel or they won’t go anywhere.’

‘If we decrease our prices by 30p a little, you’ll all come running. If we increase our prices by 30p a litre, you’ll all come running. To sum up, you’re all pretty much fucked and we have everyone by the short and curlies.’

‘You could always use a website that sets off a massive alarm when your area has a petrol station that offers a 1p discount per litre compared to your usual place, but you’ll probably spend an extra 45p getting there and back.’

‘Besides, you want your Nectar points don’t you? That annual trip to Caffè Nero won’t pay for itself will it? In any case, the wholesale price for both fuels dropped by 2% yesterday and we are preparing to pass these savings onto motorists in October 2045.’

We spoke to fuel analyst Nathan Forstarr of the Canvey Institute, and he told our Chief Reporter that local fuel stations are keen to avoid the ‘utter carnage’ that was seen during the South Essex Diesel Price Wars of 2007. 

He said: ‘On that fateful July morning when the BP in Westcliff slashed a penny off the per litre price of diesel, word spread like wildfire and within 10 minutes of opening people were storming the forecourts and buying extra fuel by any possible means.’

‘In one shameful incident, people were buying 2-litre bottles of Coca Cola from the shop at £1.99 each, tipping it all away and then filling the bottles with diesel for future use. They were sold out by lunchtime.’