A 18-year-old student has revealed that a mandatory weekly phone call to his Nan has just entered its fourth hour. 

James Clark told Southend News Network that his original plan to call just before Countdown started backfired tremendously when she informed him that she has the whole lot on series link, although she is convinced that the box ‘has a mind of its own and switches it for Robson Green’s Extreme Angling whenever it bloody feels like it.’

James said: ‘All I said was ‘how are you’ and I got a two-hour tale of woe about her cataracts and her new Indian GP who is actually very nice, as if it has all come as some sort of massive shock.’

‘I popped off for a wee and a fag earlier and by the time I got back to the phone she was still banging on about one of her friends rigging the bingo machine at the centre.’

‘There’s always someone else at the club that she has fallen out with and I get the minute details of every argument. Each quote starts with ‘so I turned round and said’ – the whole place must be full of geriatric tornadoes, surely they would already be facing each other.’

 ‘I would probably be able to get the whole call down to an hour and a half if I didn’t have to say everything four times. She keeps asking me what course I am doing but I swear if I just said Quantum Bollockology with joint honours in Lemon Puff Mechanics she would just say ‘ooh that sounds nice.’

‘She’ll realise in a minute that she’s gone way over the 60-minute free phone call limit on her TalkTalk and start ranting about how she should never have listened to the ‘nice young man’ in the town centre who convinced her to leave BT.’

‘I flipped when she told me for the fifth time that my mum hadn’t been in touch for a month – I told her that I had an aneurysm scheduled and she said it was fine as she had someone from Microsoft calling back to fix her computer anyway.’

We caught up with James’ Nan Elsie Clark earlier this evening. She said: ‘I love getting a call from David … Jonathan … Steven … Peter … Jessica … Deirdre … James. I never hear from his bloody mum though.’